Special Feature: A Child’s Fantasy Football Prayer

 

Father bless me as I pray. 

Help my f-ing players play.

Protect me from Tom Brady’s pass.

And, Father, knock him on his ass.

If Tony Romo has to throw,

Let it go to Terrell O.

If Peyton Manning can’t excel,

Please make sure he goes to hell.

And if McNabb may fail to score,

Let him burn forever more.

If Eli doesn’t thow to Plax,

Let him melt like candle wax.

When Andre Johnson runs his route,

Father, take the defenders out.

Let me know which players to choose

And make opposing players lose.

Amen

Chapter 8 – Oh Sh_t

Only 3 more games to the playoffs … in both the Customer service league and in the JV league.  This means I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

This is what I am going in with…

And here’s what I am up against…

What are my chances?  Not good.  Not good like one in a hundred?  … More like one in a million… 

… So I’m saying there’s a chance.

Final moves are in… Final votes are cast.  Demise now impending.  Good luck suckers!

Chapter 7 – Payback

Have you seen this man?

 

His name is Special agent Vincent “Vinnie” Keyrock, of the FFBI.  He is the sole law enforcement official charged with enforcing civil law, specifically fantasy patent violation.  He is currently on a manhunt for alleged infringers of his alleged patent.

FFBI Backgrounder:  The FFBI is a special branch of government that is responsible for legislative, judicial, and executive due process.  They make the laws, interpret the laws, and enforce the laws of fantasy football.  It is not uncomon to see Special Agent Keyrock presiding in his own civil trials not only as the judge and the baliff, but also as the counsel for the plaintiff, and the plantiff himself.  Typically such trials start with him bringing the court to order, and then calling himself to the witness stand, where he typicall pleads the 5th, and refuses to answer any of his questions to himself.  On multiple occasions, he has sentenced himself to a night in jail for contempt of his own court.  This occurs because he has no special training in any of the fundamental areas of law or law enforcement.  He commonly confuses criminal matters with civil matters–this because the majority of his training on civil law comes from the show Law and Order, a show exclusively focused on criminal law.  He actually has his own reality show called Civil Order – SVU (special victim’s unit), where he stars as that victim.  In fact, in one episode, he felt uncertain about the outcome of one of his civil suits, and so he tried to broker a plea bargain with the defendant.

Also of note is the limited jurisdiction of the FFBI. The FFBI’s jurisdiction is superceded by any other form of law or even any imagined perception of justice. 

If you have seen the above man, you are likely a target of one of his special investigations.  The best way to handle these types of interactions is to try to imitate the “da-dumph” sound off of Law and Order, as this signals a scene change.  Agent Keyrock will typically hear the sound and then start acting out the next scene.  The down side of this is that you may also be in the next scene.  So you may have to do it a couple of times, until he finds himself in his own chamber, pleading with the judge to disallow a piece of evidence.

This Week’s FF Review

This week there will be no predictions.  That is not the purpose of fantasy football.  Instead we will just review what is going on. 

1. I just picked up the New England defense in the customer service league.  Thanks Richelle.
2. In the same league, I dropped the Baltimore defense.  Go get them if you want them.
3. Michelle is actually going into the week with empty spots and 2 kickers on her roster.  Don’t really understand that.
4. I have pretty much given up on defenders and kickers, until somebody drops DeMeco Ryans.  Then I will have something to hold onto.  All other defenders and kickers are the same.
5. Joe is getting my vote in the CS league.
6. Richelle is also getting my vote… Sorry Stephen.
7. Sam would get my vote against Dan if he would just replace Thomas Jones.
8. Steve is getting a charity vote against me in the JV league
9. Michelle and Joe are in a close one in the JV league.  Michelle gets my vote, but that has nothing to do with the matchup.
10. Greg will destroy Emily.
11. Sarra got my vote against Sam
12. I am not going to spend any time talking about the other leagues.  If you want some play, you have to earn it on the field.  Not in a blog.
13. In consolation league, michelle is beatable this week because her star QB is on bye.
14. I also picked up Brandon Jacobs in one of the leagues… can’t remember which… I am sure it will come to me, but by then I will have finished with this blog.

Final Thoughts

Despite the drama in the FFBI SVU, Joe did not invent Fantasy Football, nor the concept of picking up or releasing players.  Nither did he invent the concept of putting players on the bench during their bye week.  It makes for good drama, but picking up players, releasing them, and benching them are the universal fundamentals of Fantasy Football.

“Da-Dumph!”

Chapter 6 – Leave of Absence

Due to lack of interest on my part, I will be taking a leave of absence from fantasy football.  You will notice that some of the players on my teams have also been on extended leaves of absence, most notably:

• Steve Smith
• Lamont Jordan

I assume other players on my teams will be taking some time off in the near future, so I will probably be losing quite a few games.

With respect to my commentary on this week… I don’t give a crap about the customer service or junior varsity league, so I will likely lose.  I AM actually trying to win in the consolation league since I have slipped into last place.  And I may have a decent game in the Gay league, and I am actually trying in that league, since every point counts.

With respect to other teams in my leagues, it is too late for predictions, so I will simply review what is happening.  Michelle is kicking the crap out of people in the JV and Consolation leagues.  Dan is having a good game in the 1800 league, considering much of his team is on bye.  Joe has had a nice game in the 1800 league.  Steve is sick and so is his team in the 1800 league.  Sam sucks in both leagues.  Emily is battling with Richelle for a win.  Emily is also having a nice game in JV.  Joe and I are actually in what could be a close game, but like I said, I don’t care.  Greg’s grinding it out in the trenches with Stephen, whose team is sick, like I said.  Sarra is not having a good week.  In consolation, I look poised to get my much needed win, and hopefully get out of last place.  Stephen’s team with Tom Brady isn’t that sick in Consolation league, and he looks to be in control, which should leave Joe in last place if I get out.  In the gay league, Joe is done, and he has the lowest point total so far, so Dan will probably make up some ground on him for the bronze medal position.  I am currently in the lead, but both Stephen and Dan have more players to go, so jury is still out.

The End