Chapter 10 – The Christmas Miracle

Win by the Brady, Die by the Brady

I guess the biggest miracle this year is that nobody who had Tom Brady won their respective leagues.  While Tom Brady was able to give millions of fantasy football owners hope, he stole that hope away at the very end by playing like crap in week 15, a critical playoff week.  Further, even though Emily made it through to the final round, Tom Brady was not enough to get her the win that she so desired in the JV league.  Tom Brady single handedly failed on all accounts.

 This event brings validity to the thesis of this site:  Tom Brady is an idiot.

 

As you can see by the graph above, Tom Brady’s fame has declined precipitously over the last couple of weeks, as more people find out that he is an idiot.  The immediate decline of his fame and his performance followed the his idiotic statement:  “I would have gotten the first down if I hadn’t heard the whistle,” which was probably the single most stupid thing ever uttered by a human being and we are all dumber for having now listened to it.

Final Standings – BTW World Champion

Below are my final standings in this years 4 fantasy football leagues:

1. 1800EatCrap: Number 1 of 8
2. Junior Varsity: Number 4 of 8
3. Consolation: Number 1 of 6
4. Four Gay People: Number 1 of 4 (*expected, based on a 121 point lead going into the final week)

This makes 3 number ones this year alone.  Yes, it may be luck, but I got it, and Tom Brady didn’t.  Also, this brings my two year record to 4 and 1–4 championships out of 5 leagues.  For this reason, I will continue to be known as BTW World Champion for another year.

I would also like to pay respects to a few players that I actually have respect for, as follows:

1. Joe – Great season, way to turn in a great final performance getting a silver medal in the only league that mattered (i.e. had a cash prize and real trophies.)
2. Michelle – Finally got her coveted title in the JV league, and got a top 3 place in every league she played in.  Great job.
3. Emily – Great turnaround season from last year, most improved player award from me, getting silver medal in JV.
4. Greg – Showing another very solid FF performance and beating me out of a trophy in the JV league
5. Sarra – Gets rookie of the year award for getting to the finals in the Consolation league, and coming away with the Silver in her debut season.
6. Richelle – Runner up rookie of the year.  Great performance in debut season.
7. Dan – Comeback of the year award (assuming you hold on to the silver position in the Gay League, coming back from over 200 points behind Stephen)
8. Steve – This wasn’t your year… Sorry
9. Sam – YOU SUCK!!!

 And now for my final words of this fantasy football season: Suck it, Brady!

Out!

Update: Jeff Projected to Beat Dan

Below is evidence that Jeff was at one time predicted to beat Dan this week in the playoffs in the 1800EatCrap league.

Whether it comes to pass or not is another issue.  But for one brief moment, I was projected to win.

Chapter 9 – Vindication

My 15 minutes of fame… I have made it to the final 4 in all leagues.  Yeah Baby!

 

Below is the list of people that I have beat in the playoffs and/or eliminated from the playoffs:

• Emily (Fa Kit)
• Joe (Mr Keyrock)
• Emily (4Some)

Below this are the people that will be eliminating me from the playoffs

• Emily (Fluking Weirdo) (affiliated with Tom Brady)
• Dan (Cougarettes) (affiliated with Tom Brady)
• Michelle (Reaper III) (affiliated with Tom Brady)

Ok.  That’s about it.  I guess my luck is out. 

I will now write my own epitaph.  (Sage Rosenfels just threw an interception.)

Here lies the only man that had the courage to stand up to Tom Brady and say, “F_ck You.”  He died in week 15 when Tom Brady stepped on his head.  May God have mercy on his soul and kick Tom Brady in the balls.  R.I.P.  World Champion.  And Go to Hell, Tom Brady.

I like this epitaph because it has a nice ring to it.

UPDATE:  Ok I take all that back (except all the stuff about Tom Brady).  Rosenfels and Johnson just scored. 

Special Feature: A Child’s Fantasy Football Prayer

 

Father bless me as I pray. 

Help my f-ing players play.

Protect me from Tom Brady’s pass.

And, Father, knock him on his ass.

If Tony Romo has to throw,

Let it go to Terrell O.

If Peyton Manning can’t excel,

Please make sure he goes to hell.

And if McNabb may fail to score,

Let him burn forever more.

If Eli doesn’t thow to Plax,

Let him melt like candle wax.

When Andre Johnson runs his route,

Father, take the defenders out.

Let me know which players to choose

And make opposing players lose.

Amen

Chapter 8 – Oh Sh_t

Only 3 more games to the playoffs … in both the Customer service league and in the JV league.  This means I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

This is what I am going in with…

And here’s what I am up against…

What are my chances?  Not good.  Not good like one in a hundred?  … More like one in a million… 

… So I’m saying there’s a chance.

Final moves are in… Final votes are cast.  Demise now impending.  Good luck suckers!

Chapter 7 – Payback

Have you seen this man?

 

His name is Special agent Vincent “Vinnie” Keyrock, of the FFBI.  He is the sole law enforcement official charged with enforcing civil law, specifically fantasy patent violation.  He is currently on a manhunt for alleged infringers of his alleged patent.

FFBI Backgrounder:  The FFBI is a special branch of government that is responsible for legislative, judicial, and executive due process.  They make the laws, interpret the laws, and enforce the laws of fantasy football.  It is not uncomon to see Special Agent Keyrock presiding in his own civil trials not only as the judge and the baliff, but also as the counsel for the plaintiff, and the plantiff himself.  Typically such trials start with him bringing the court to order, and then calling himself to the witness stand, where he typicall pleads the 5th, and refuses to answer any of his questions to himself.  On multiple occasions, he has sentenced himself to a night in jail for contempt of his own court.  This occurs because he has no special training in any of the fundamental areas of law or law enforcement.  He commonly confuses criminal matters with civil matters–this because the majority of his training on civil law comes from the show Law and Order, a show exclusively focused on criminal law.  He actually has his own reality show called Civil Order – SVU (special victim’s unit), where he stars as that victim.  In fact, in one episode, he felt uncertain about the outcome of one of his civil suits, and so he tried to broker a plea bargain with the defendant.

Also of note is the limited jurisdiction of the FFBI. The FFBI’s jurisdiction is superceded by any other form of law or even any imagined perception of justice. 

If you have seen the above man, you are likely a target of one of his special investigations.  The best way to handle these types of interactions is to try to imitate the “da-dumph” sound off of Law and Order, as this signals a scene change.  Agent Keyrock will typically hear the sound and then start acting out the next scene.  The down side of this is that you may also be in the next scene.  So you may have to do it a couple of times, until he finds himself in his own chamber, pleading with the judge to disallow a piece of evidence.

This Week’s FF Review

This week there will be no predictions.  That is not the purpose of fantasy football.  Instead we will just review what is going on. 

1. I just picked up the New England defense in the customer service league.  Thanks Richelle.
2. In the same league, I dropped the Baltimore defense.  Go get them if you want them.
3. Michelle is actually going into the week with empty spots and 2 kickers on her roster.  Don’t really understand that.
4. I have pretty much given up on defenders and kickers, until somebody drops DeMeco Ryans.  Then I will have something to hold onto.  All other defenders and kickers are the same.
5. Joe is getting my vote in the CS league.
6. Richelle is also getting my vote… Sorry Stephen.
7. Sam would get my vote against Dan if he would just replace Thomas Jones.
8. Steve is getting a charity vote against me in the JV league
9. Michelle and Joe are in a close one in the JV league.  Michelle gets my vote, but that has nothing to do with the matchup.
10. Greg will destroy Emily.
11. Sarra got my vote against Sam
12. I am not going to spend any time talking about the other leagues.  If you want some play, you have to earn it on the field.  Not in a blog.
13. In consolation league, michelle is beatable this week because her star QB is on bye.
14. I also picked up Brandon Jacobs in one of the leagues… can’t remember which… I am sure it will come to me, but by then I will have finished with this blog.

Final Thoughts

Despite the drama in the FFBI SVU, Joe did not invent Fantasy Football, nor the concept of picking up or releasing players.  Nither did he invent the concept of putting players on the bench during their bye week.  It makes for good drama, but picking up players, releasing them, and benching them are the universal fundamentals of Fantasy Football.

“Da-Dumph!”

Chapter 6 – Leave of Absence

Due to lack of interest on my part, I will be taking a leave of absence from fantasy football.  You will notice that some of the players on my teams have also been on extended leaves of absence, most notably:

• Steve Smith
• Lamont Jordan

I assume other players on my teams will be taking some time off in the near future, so I will probably be losing quite a few games.

With respect to my commentary on this week… I don’t give a crap about the customer service or junior varsity league, so I will likely lose.  I AM actually trying to win in the consolation league since I have slipped into last place.  And I may have a decent game in the Gay league, and I am actually trying in that league, since every point counts.

With respect to other teams in my leagues, it is too late for predictions, so I will simply review what is happening.  Michelle is kicking the crap out of people in the JV and Consolation leagues.  Dan is having a good game in the 1800 league, considering much of his team is on bye.  Joe has had a nice game in the 1800 league.  Steve is sick and so is his team in the 1800 league.  Sam sucks in both leagues.  Emily is battling with Richelle for a win.  Emily is also having a nice game in JV.  Joe and I are actually in what could be a close game, but like I said, I don’t care.  Greg’s grinding it out in the trenches with Stephen, whose team is sick, like I said.  Sarra is not having a good week.  In consolation, I look poised to get my much needed win, and hopefully get out of last place.  Stephen’s team with Tom Brady isn’t that sick in Consolation league, and he looks to be in control, which should leave Joe in last place if I get out.  In the gay league, Joe is done, and he has the lowest point total so far, so Dan will probably make up some ground on him for the bronze medal position.  I am currently in the lead, but both Stephen and Dan have more players to go, so jury is still out.

The End

Chapter 5 – F_ck Y_u T_m Br_dy

My biggest mistake in FF this year …

… was not drafting Tom Brady.  Yeah LT is good, but my prediction is that whoever has Tom Brady on their team will win each respective league unless they totally suck.  Let’s look at the data.  Who owns Tom Brady?

1. EatCrap: Dan, 1st Place
2. JV: Emily, 1st Place
3. Consolation: Michelle, 1st Place
4. Gay Fockers: Steve, 1st Place

So you can see that the only skill needed to win in fantasy football is to NOT be stupid enough to NOT draft Tom Brady.  Now I would like to read off the list of names of all the people (idiots) who had the chance to draft Tom Brady and passed on him, in no particular order:

1. Richelle
2. Sam
3. Jeff
4. Michelle
5. Steve
6. Joe
7. Emily
8. Sarra
9. Greg
10. Dan

So who was stupid enough to not draft Tom Brady?  Everybody!!!  In fact, in the JV league, not only did everybody pass on Brady, but everybody did it at least 3 times each.  Brady was not drafted until the middle of the 4th round.  Boy was Emily smart… after passing on Brady for 3 and a half rounds, Emily took a brave gamble that she would need a quarterback, and selected the best one on the board at the time.  Genius!

What makes Brady even more of a great fantasy player is the fact that Bill Belicheck is a dick.  Who else in the NFL has audacity to go up 42-0 in the first half against a pitiful Miami team, and then come out throwing in the 2nd half?  The answer is nobody.  Frankly, one of the reasons Peyton Manning sucks so bad this year is that his coach is not a dick.

One last word about Dan… One may say that Dan passing on Tom Brady in the first round of the draft didn’t hurt him because he eventually got Tom Brady in the 2nd round.  Fine… I will concede this.  But I will also call attention to the fact that he also passed on Brady in the 1st round of the Gay league, and Steve got him.  So let it be known that Dan passed up Tom Brady multiple times, and he did not get him in the Gay league, where he currently occupies last place.

Let’s review last week’s predictions and results…

Eat Crap – No, Seriously … I want you to go and eat it.

1. Jeff over Sam (correct … this is a given [and it was])
2. Joe over Richelle (correct)
3. Dan over Michelle (correct)
4. Steve over Emily (incorrect)

Junior Varsity

1. Jeff over Sarra (incorrect … this is also a given [(correct) about it being incorrect])
2. Michelle over Greg (correct)
3. Joe over Sam (correct)
4. Emily Over Steve (correct)

Consolation – Are any of us really consoled by this?

1. Steve over Jeff (correct)
2. Michelle over Joe (correct)
3. Sarra over Emily (correct)

Four Gay People – Ambiguously

1. Dan will stay in last place (correct)

Total Correct to Incorrect Ratio: 11:1, 92% correct.  When you compare this to the percent of the time that all players in the JV league drafted correctly in the first 3 rounds, which is 0%, I didn’t do that poorly with last week’s predictions.

This Week’s Predictions (92% will be hard to beat, but 0% will not)

Eat Crap – Solidifying 7th Seed

1. Joe over Jeff
2. Richelle over Michelle
3. Dan over Emily
4. Sam over Steve (Believe it or not)

Junior Varsity – Fighting for 6th Seed (but not very hard)

1. Michelle over Jeff
2. Joe over Greg
3. Steve over Sam
4. Emily Over Sarra

Consolation – Girls are Better than Boys

1. Emily over Jeff
2. Michelle over Steve
3. Sarra over Joe

Four Gay People – Steve is Vulnerable

1. Steve will NOT get the high score for the week
2. Dan will stay in last place, even if he puts defenders in

Summary

If Tom Brady gets injured, all you first place leaders are screwed!

Chapter 4 – Incorrect!

So you were … ? 

After giving Dan a draft grade of F+, albeit retaliatory, for the piece of crap grade he gave me… I now find myself in the position of being incorrect.  Although the correct grade was in fact F+, I was incorrect in thinking that my team was going to beat his team.  I was also incorrect in thinking Joe’s team was going to be worth a crap.  I was also incorrect in thinking Emily would have another bad year again… and she is actually doing pretty good this year.

I thought Sam would be bad at fantasy football… I was incorrect … he is actually very, very bad.  And the good news is that I play him this week, which may be just enough to get me a win, even though I have open roster spots.

Let’s recap last week’s predictions vs. results

Eat Crap – Upset Weekend

1. Richelle over Jeff (correct)
2. Dan over Joe (correct)
3. Steve over Michelle (incorrect)
4. Emily over Sam (correct)

Junior Varsity – The Rich Get Richer

1. Greg over Jeff (correct)
2. Michelle obliterating Sam (correct: 185 to 61)
3. Emily over Joe (correct)
4. Steve over Sarra, but barely (incorrect)

Consolation – The Beat Your Husband’s Club

1. Michelle over Jeff (correct)
2. Sarra over Steve (incorrect)
3. Emily over Joe (incorrect)

Four Gay People – Who’s Your Daddy?

1. Joe will not have a good week (correct: lowest score of the 4)
2. Everybody else will do OK (correct)
3. Dan will stay in last place (correct)

Summary of Results

I was only incorrect in 4 out of 14 predictions.  This is a 28% incorrect rate.  Compare this to my initial draft in the customer service league.  Of my original draft picks, I have kept only 3 out of 9.  This implies a 67% incorrect rate. 

Conclusion:  My original draft grade must be revised to F-.  Only 33% of my draft picks were correct.

This week’s predictions

Eat Crap – No, Seriously … I want you to go and eat it.

1. Jeff over Sam (correct … this is a given)
2. Joe over Richelle
3. Dan over Michelle
4. Steve over Emily

Junior Varsity

1. Jeff over Sarra (incorrect … this is also a given)
2. Michelle over Greg
3. Joe over Sam
4. Emily Over Steve (Narrowly)

Consolation – Are any of us really consoled by this?

1. Steve over Jeff
2. Michelle over Joe
3. Sarra over Emily

Four Gay People – Ambiguously

1. Dan will stay in last place (correct)

Good luck proving my predictions wrong

Chapter 3 – Kings for a Day

Overview

Well … let’s review who the 4 kings (leaders) are in the different leagues

1. Dan (EatCrap)
2. Emily (JV)
3. Michelle (Consolation)
4. Steve (GayFellows)

Now let’s review who the queens (2nd place) are:

1. Michelle (EatCrap)
2. Michelle (JV)
3. Sarra (Consolation)
4. Jeff (GayFellows)

What is new here? …. Nothing!  Well… Except that steve is back on top of the gay people.

Next

Rather than focus on who sucks at Fantasy Football, I would like to talk which players suck.  I have taken a survey and below are the results of who sucks the most relative to what they were supposed to be…

1. Larry Johnson
2. Steven Jackson
3. Drew Brees
4. Marques Colston
5. Mark Bulger
6. Reggie Bush
7. Javon Walker
8. Larry Fitzgerald
9. Dan Klecko
10. Torry Holt

If you drafted these players you are probably losing because they have done nothing.

Predictions

Eat Crap – Upset Weekend

1. Richelle over Jeff
2. Dan over Joe
3. Steve over Michelle
4. Emily over Sam

Junior Varsity – The Rich Get Richer

1. Greg over Jeff
2. Michelle obliterating Sam
3. Emily over Joe
4. Steve over Sarra, but barely

Consolation – The Beat Your Husband’s Club

1. Michelle over Jeff
2. Sarra over Steve
3. Emily over Joe

Four Gay People – Who’s Your Daddy?

1. Joe will not have a good week
2. Everybody else will do OK
3. Dan will stay in last place

Summary

1. Nothing really new this week
2. Several players suck
3. Joe will not win any games (neither will Jeff for that matter)